Singleness Journal #2

Our church is hosting a marriage conference or whatever. The church is only a year old. In my mid thirties this feels more isolating. I saw the posting on Facebook last night. For some reason, darkness settled in. Instead of pouting, I worshipped Jesus and despite the clouds from today with zero sunshine. I felt great!! Life is being put into perspective. I’m feeling low on physical touch so I decided to hang out with a friend on Friday. It’s not a sexual thing – he is married, etc. I just know I’ll get a hug from him. If you have ever lived alone with no pets for an extended period of times – you will understand. If you haven’t, it’s hard. Just trust me. Especially as a male. Don’t want to be that creepy old guy.

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Remnants of Sadness

I am in a new position from a hospital to a clinic. I’ve recognized I am already making comments which may either seem as complaints or mild depression.

The transition to a new job is a little tough. Pornography was an issue last night; I think that plays into a lot of it. I possibly may be moving to a different apartment. Who knows.

Again, 2018 is about not complaining, so this is what I like:

1) I have my own desk.

2) My coworkers seem nice.

3) I have regular work hours (very unlike my other job)

4) I am learning about a VERY different population.

5) Boss is pretty chill.

Food Addiction #2

I attempted the Daniel Fast and had to stop. It’s really a silly reason. I had too many acidic times. I had a fruit smoothie every morning and then went too hard on the pineapple chunks. My tongue became COMPLETELY raw. I ended up spraying chloraspectic in my mouth to numb my tongue. I would have to spray every couple of hours and eat really bland foods.

It is silly to think about how this has deterred a lot. Off the diet, so vanilla milkshakes and pudding naturalized a lot.

Don’t worry. It’s a lot better. I finished my job as a social worker in a hospital as of last night and transitioning to a clinic. Monday-Friday with daytime hours. And without much of a break, I start Monday.

I’m excited in hopes the routine will help with the addictions. And EVEN more, give me a good life routine / habits that will spill over to every part of my life.

I’d appreciate the prayers as I begin my life in the daily very American grind.

Food Addiction #1

If you haven’t noticed so far … one addiction often ties itself into another one and another one…

I have been notorious of going through a fast food drive thru on a bad day, get more than one combo for myself, watch tv and eat… and sometimes followed by porn. I have terrible debt because of this.

Great news! My family is clueless about the above issues, though many friends know much of the details. My sister and her husband are doing the Daniel Fast with me this month.

I don’t drink a lot of caffeine, so there are no withdrawals there. I can take alcohol or leave it. No issues there.

But, my God… I’m having sugar withdrawals. It’s a thing! Look it up! My migraines are over. I’m feeling body aches throughout my body.

The hardest part: This afternoon I went to the movies with a friend and an elderly couple SNUCK IN CHIKFILA to the movie!!! Oh my gosh! I wanted those waffle fries so bad.

Y’all know the struggle ! Trust me.

Prayers up the next few days as withdrawal symptoms continue for this and the porn. It’s a double whammy. It’s worth it all.

The song I Am No Victim has been my mantra. And the song Lay It All Down.

Happy Frigid Friday

Porn Addiction Journal #2

Reader Beware – it’s NSFW due to the topic itself

The past couple of days have been pretty great. I spent time alone and with friends. I worked out, cooked, worshipped, created art, etc. I was pretty proud of myself that the locker room hasn’t been a issue since working out.

Tonight, yes, less than 30 minutes ago – I looked at porn again. It may have been earlier today that I noticed it creeping up. It is like a continuous bug in my ear saying “You haven’t jerked off today” or “You always do this.” Today has been really joyful. Really joyful!

The issue: Unaccounted for time. No accountability.

And it’s difficult because I have reached out to people at church to be friends, etc. Yet, there’s a lack of give and take. But – no more complaining.

My actions speak of my inability to have self control regardless of the situation. I repent of what happened tonight. This Daniel Fast is kicking my butt.

If anyone is reading out there, what do you do with your leisure time? Or maybe any good book recommendations?

Singleness Journal #1

I’ve realized with singleness that everyone – including non-singles – can experience loneliness in their lives.

The key for me has been to pinpoint the lie, “I’m alone all of the time” and find what the truth is.

Today has been one of those moments. I had brunch with someone this morning. A friend came by to pick up his Bible he left in the prayer room. And that’s all I have seen today.

For me, singleness becomes more of an insecurity as I continue to age. Questions like “Is something wrong with me?” “Am I hard to get along with?” “Do I not attempt community?” “How do I know who is going to be around in the long haul?”

Well, nothing is wrong with me. I’ve been in six or seven weddings, so I don’t think I’m THAT difficult to get along with (ha!). I do attempt community because I don’t have to be near someone all of the time to be in community. And… community changes with relationships and that’s a reality.

Tomorrow, I hang out with a couple of folks. AND also, just because I spent New Years Eve in the prayer room with a small group of people DOESN’T mean I’m weird. My priorities are just a lot different than other people. And this morning, I had mimosas with someone, soooo I guess I didn’t need a beer last night.

Budget Life #1

It took me two hours to meal plan for one week. I’ll be honest during those two hours I kept thinking “What’s the point?” I also made two grocery lists. One for the local coop and the other for Lucky’s. The local coop has “Pick It Fresh” bags for $10 for designated produce items. I had a $15 gift card to Lucky’s AND I downloaded their app, so I got $5 off $25.

Altogether, I spent ~$37 total. I’ll confess I did get a banana-chocolate chip muffin from the coop. The Daniel Fast starts tomorrow, so I splurged on sugar and $1.25 today.

The groceries are supposed to last me one week… I have a feeling some of this will carry into next week.

Now, who wants to cook for me??